1. I decided I could handle alcohol, if others would just quit wasting my time, trying to tell me how to ruin my life.
2. I firmly believe that there is no greater power than myself, and anyone who says it isn't so has to be even crazier (or bigger) than I am.
3. I decided it'd be a good idea to remove my will and life from God and the churches, since none of them understand me anyway.
4. I made a searching and thorough moral inventory of everyone I had ever known, so that they'd never again fool me and take advantage of my good nature.
5. I waited till they showed up and tried to get them to admit to me, by God, exactly how they had done me wrong.
6. I became willing to use any means necessary to help these people get rid of their defects of character.
7. I became humble enough to tell these people they damn well better work on their own shortcomings.
8. I keep a list of all the people who I imagine have ever slighted me, and am just waiting for my chance to get even with
each and every one of the bastards.
9. I get even with these people at every possible chance, except when to do so would clearly get me into too much trouble.
10. I continue to take everybody's inventory and when they are wrong, which is most of the time, I promptly tell everybody about it.
11. I seek through concentration of my willpower alone to get God, who doesn't understand me, to see that my plans are best and He ought to just get the Hell out of my way.
12. I have maintained my drunkenness for many years with these steps, and thoroughly recommend them to other alcoholics who don't want to lose their hard earned professional status as drunks, but wish to be left alone in their misery, to practice intemperance in everything they do, till the end of their days.